Chicago Republican Blames Autism & Tornadoes on LGBT: Primary voters handed a resounding victory to an Illinois Republican candidate who blamed autism, dementia, hurricanes and tornadoes on abortion and same-sex marriage. Just a thought, but it kind of looks like she might wanna add female baldness to the list.
North Carolina Police Seek Man Who Sucked Toes at Walmart: Police are seeking a man who convinced a woman at North Carolina Walmart that he was a podiatry student and persuaded her to take off her shoes and then proceeded to suck on her toes before escaping. Man, that really sucks that anyone would pull a stunt like that. Police say he tried to lure other victims, but they got cold feet. I’m wondering if he could have had a toe jam deficiency. And the real question is, if you're going to end up jail for sucking, then why not just pretend to be a breast implant surgeon.
Elderly Woman Arrested in Early-Bird Special Buffet Brawl: A 62-year-old North Carolina woman has been charged with two counts of assault and battery and held on a $1,500 secured bond after she assaulted and injured two other senior citizens in an early-bird special buffet brawl. Wow, sounds a lot like Animal House on Social Security. On a positive note, at least everyone got treated to dinner and a show!
New Dinosaur Called Chicken From Hell: Scientists have discovered a freakish, chicken-like species of dinosaur that was 11 feet long, 500 pounds, had a beak with no teeth, a bony crest atop its head, murderous claws, prize-fighter arms, spindly legs, a thin tail and feathers sprouting all over the place. All I know is, you don’t want to ruffle this chicken’s tail feathers. Researchers say that this chicken would have tasted a lot like dinosaur. While the finding aren’t conclusive, paleontologists believe there’s a decent chance that this may have been the original funky chicken.
Police Seeking Couple Who Had Sex Against Dumpster: Newark, Del. police are asking the public’s help in identifying a college-age couple caught having sex on St. Patrick's Day against a dumpster in a Dunkin’ Donuts’ parking lot near the University of Delaware campus. Sex beside a dumpster? Guess they must have been white trash.
Music Teacher Caught Selling Tubas for Heroin: A Nunda, N.Y. music teacher pulled over by police with a tuba in her backseat admitted to stealing more than 50 instruments from her school district and selling them for heroin. Friends say her life seemed to be going right down the tuba.