Snapshot: Sam Smooth-A Positive Thinker

Meet Sam Smooth. Everybody likes our Sam and our Sam likes everybody. Our Sam is looking at his second divorce. You can count on Sam to make you feel good. You can count on Sam to put a positive spin on just about anything. Sam prides himself on a double negative, he is ‘not negative’. Sam is bewildered. 

Sam: What did I do wrong?  

Diane: Are you angry?

Sam: No. I love Sue. She’s a talented woman and a great Mom. 

Diane: Tell me more about her.

Sam: She’s bright. She’s good at her job. She’s a manager. 

Diane: Tell me about her short comings.

Sam: (silence)

Sam: (silence)

Diane: We all have short comings. I for one am kind of a book worm. That could be construed as a shortcoming by someone that is very social.

Sam: I don’t want to judge.

Diane: Why not?

Sam: She’s doing her best. I know that.

Diane: If you were going to indulge in judgement, just for a moment, what judgement would you make.

Sam: She’s kind of a complainer.

Diane: What does she complain about?

Sam: A lot. She complains if there’s traffic, if one of the Moms is late for car pool. She complains about her Boss. They used to have two department managers, they had to let one go so she has more work.

Diane: Hmmn. These things might present a problem for her during the course of her day. 

Sam: Well yeah but it doesn’t do any good to complain about them.

Diane: Do you think if she didn’t say anything about these things she’d be happier?

Sam: Well yeah. 

Diane: Maybe not. 

Sam: (silence)

Diane: There are a couple of things going on here; 1) she has feelings about these things. They evoke emotions for her. It seems she wants to tell you about her feelings. 2) We are hardwired to judge.

Sam: We shouldn’t judge. 

Diane: We have values. We make observations. Judgements in accordance with our values will be made. 

Sam: I don’t want to judge.

Diane: I have values. For example, I don’t think we should hurt children. I once saw someone haul off and slap a child across the face. My Mind System made a snap judgement; this is wrong.

Sam: That’s different.

Diane: How?

Sam: They hit a child.

Diane: Do you share that value, hitting a child like that is wrong?

Sam: Yes. Hitting a child is wrong.

Diane: Do you see the relationship between values and judgements?

Sam: I guess.

Diane: Our Mind System will assign values to things we encounter. Assignment of values to things is part of its job. Then as we experience things in life, snap judgements will be made in accordance with our values.

Sam: So, what do I do?

Short Term

1. Make a list of your values. It can be as simple as what kinds of things ‘bug’ you and what kinds of things please you.
2. Note what happens as you encounter things that ‘bug’ you.

Long Term

1. You seem to have a habit of overriding your value judgements. If your values are well considered and ‘fair’ (not ill-informed, racist, etc.) there’s no problem.

2.Try to catch yourself in the act of overriding a judgement that reflects your values. 

3. Ask yourself, how often has social change been driven by people standing up, articulating their values and judging things unacceptable.

   Intelligence
+ Values
= Judgement

As friends and family get to know your values, they get to know you better. This is a hallmark of truly intimate relationships.