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Health & Fitness

Snapshot: Cathy Cares-The Value of Benign Neglect

Meet Cathy Cares. Cathy is a Mom and it’s become the hardest ‘job’ she’s ever had. Cathy tries to do everything ‘right’. Cathy knows children are vulnerable and she is vigilant. She s most vigilant about how she herself manages everyday challenges like bedtime, time to clean up toys, etc. Her husband cannot know what Cathy will thinks is the best way to handle these things but he does indeed respect Cathy’s efforts. He defers to her judgment.

Cathy does not trust her intuition. She reads parenting books voraciously. She is very frustrated to find parenting books contradicting one another.

Cathy: Yesterday I did not know what to do (tears).

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Diane: Tell me about yesterday (a Sunday).

Cathy: John had to work and so we couldn’t go to the park. I hadn’t planned anything else. I had no idea what to do. I got out the paints but Carrie (her daughter, age 7) didn’t want to paint. It’s a lot of trouble getting out the paints. I thought she’d want to paint. It’s special you know. I don’t have time to get the paints out everyday. (tears).

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Diane: Do you like to paint?

Cathy: What?

Diane: Do you like to paint?

Cathy: I don’t know. I don’t have time. It’s a lot of trouble setting up the paints for Carrie, putting newspapers around the deck. I guess I don’t really like it but I do it for Carrie.

Diane: What was Carrie doing while you were setting up the paints?

Cathy: I don’t know.

Diane: Think about it. I take it you were setting paints up outside? Was she inside?

Cathy: She was. Oh gees, I wasn’t inside She could have gotten into anything (tears). I should have been watching her! This is all too hard. I’m sorry. I try.

Diane: I agree with you. This all sounds too hard.

Cathy: How do other Mom’s do it? I just can’t (tears).

Diane: You are doing a lot that is certainly in the best interest of your daughter. It would seem however, you cannot enjoy being a Mom these days.

Cathy: No. I can’t. maybe I should go back to work. (tears). I feel so guilty.

Diane: Maybe it’s time to enjoy the benefits of your efforts these past few years.

Cathy: What do you mean?

Diane: It seems you’ve raised a delightful young girl. She’s doing well in school. She’s cooperative for the most part. Correct?

Cathy: Yes.

Diane: She is now the proud owner of a well organized Mind System of her own that has good values and particular interests.  She has some skills.  Correct?

Cathy: Yes. She’s a very good artist. She takes good care of her things. 

Diane: Can she put peanut butter on a cracker?

Cathy: Yes.

Diane: Maybe it’s time to step back. I call this ‘benign neglect’. You’re at hand for her but  you don’t directly engage her. She ‘follows her nose’ so to speak doing what she is inclined to do. Actually, as you do this she engages in self directed activity. Interestingly, as she is engaging in the self directed activity ( with minimal reliance upon you) she is powerfully mobilizing and strengthening her own ‘self-structure’. 

Interestingly, as she is now at a new developmental stage and benefits from more self-directed activity, you are relieved of much of the burden. What you’re feeling, overwhelmed, is in effect a wake-up call for you. Your intuition is telling you to step back and it happens to also be in her best interest.

Cathy: Can I really?

Diane: Yes and it’s in the best interest of both of you. Funny how that works. You need to step back and... it will benefit her for you to step back. Your own intuitive feedback is exquisitely designed for you and Carrie, never mind the books.

Short Run

  1. Make more things accessible to Carrie; snacks on lower shelves, juices in smaller bottles she can pour out of. 
  2. Maybe get some cheap outdoor carpet and put it on the deck and keep some art supplies in a little cabinet nearby so she can help herself.
  3. Find something that will occupy you in relatively close proximity. If she asks for help, put her off a bit creating space for her to just do something herself.

Long Run

  1. As you observe her growing independence, reassess how much supervision she really needs. I’m thinking you’ve done a good job and she will need very little.
  2. Know that self esteem must be anchored in real accomplishments. Your ‘benign neglect’ is creating the space for her to develop competencies that, with no effort on your part at all, will provide the foundation for good self esteem.
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